The following pearls of wisdom are brought to you by an ornery nature, years of training in the art of sarcasm and a rather sleepless night.
#7 – Commit to Failure
Although commitment is generally indicative of hard work, in this case it is quite easy. Simply chant, “Yes, we can!” repeatedly and you will be well on your way.
Caution: This can lead to physical overexertion, disorientation, instability, and death. In the event that you experience one of these minor ailments, temporarily discontinue your chanting, and proceed to the nearest gluttony establishment.
#6 – Ignore the Facts
Did you know?
- President Lincoln was a Republican.
- Slavery was just as prevalent in the North as it was in the South.
- Illegally entering the United States is a Federal crime.
- Abstinence prevents pregnancy in 100% of cases.
- The lottery is a voluntary self-imposed tax.
- The second first American black president is 50% Caucasian.
- Hippies really do smell.
- Criminals are deterred by a legal gun-owning population.
- There are only 50 United States.
- Separation of Church and State is not found in the US Constitution or any founding document.
Don’t let the facts get in your way. They will only slow you down.
#5 Don’t Ask Questions
- Why do wealthy Congressmen demonize wealthy businessmen?
- What is a Golden Parachute?
- Why is it bad for Republicans to talk about God, prayer and religion, but pious for Democrats to do so?
- How “green” is Al Gore’s jet fuel?
- Can global temperature really be accurately measured?
- If I fill a glass with ice and let it melt, why doesn’t it spill over the sides of the glass?
- Why is it evil of the US military to help the oppressed people of other nations, but perfectly okay for Janet Reno to have a 6 yr old kidnapped at gunpoint and returned to Cuba?
- Why do people with a marketable skill set tend to make good money?
- What makes a celebrity with a high school diploma qualified in matters of government?
- Why does the stock market dive every time Obama talks about stimulating the economy?
- What is capitalism?
- Why, historically, have lower taxes resulted in higher government revenues and higher taxes have not?
- Why do so many people living under socialism risk their lives to come to the United States?
Pondering such issues will only give you a headache. Don’t worry about any of that. The government is taking care of everything for you.
#4 – Be an Underachiever
If you are one of the many unfortunate individuals that despite your best efforts, you still do not qualify according to government standards to sit on your butt and collect a welfare check from the taxes collected from all of the hard working people, please follow these steps:
- Apply for a government job for which you are not qualified.
- If hired, enjoy your labor free income.
- If denied, sue! You are being oppressed. It’s so unfair not hire someone
just ‘cuz they ain’t got no qualifications or edjucashun.
If you have obtained employment outside the government and must show some level of effort:
- Observe the minimum effort of co-workers and work just beneath
- Cop an attitude. This will empower you against bosses and co-workers
who will leave you alone and never ask you to perform duties above your
- Make tardiness a goal. Never show up on time. Do it once and you will be expected to do it all the time.
#3 – Political Savvy
Your biggest weapon in the war on conservatism is your mouth. It doesn’t really matter what you say, just that you yell it, scream it, and swear loudly. Name-calling is highly effective and demonstrates your ability to think on your feet.
#2 -The Art of Being Offended
It is a truly an art, but you can learn it quickly. And you will throw your opponents for a loop every time you do it. Be offended! No matter what they say, you can be offended. All you need to do is disagree with the other person and you have a solid case for being offended. Your enemies will cower at your mastery.
#1 – Vote Often
You know your candidate is the best candidate, but you worry that others are just too dumb to see it your way or they are rich and just want to elect more rich people to keep you from getting their money. And voter fraud is such an ugly term with negative connotations. So, don’t look at it that way. View it as performing a community service. After all, there are plenty of people not voting, you might as well vote for them, the way they would vote if they would get their lazy butts to the polls.
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